Healthy Conflict and How to Repair

Couples in healthy, happy relationships don’t necessarily fight less than unhappy couples. They just have a stronger ability to communicate during conflict, and a commitment to repair.

When you’re in a relationship with someone, chances are you’re going to have challenging moments together. You might yell or take your stress out on each other, be critical, defensive or give the silent treatment instead of communicating your needs, or simply have moments where one or both of you are not your best selves.

Knowing how to repair after conflict, instead of engaging in behaviours such as defensiveness and criticism, can mean the difference between bringing you closer together as a couple, or creating further strain and disconnect.

Here are a few things that are important to help you communicate during conflict and then repair:

Apologise A meaningful apology involves saying the words “I’m sorry”, owning the behaviour or mistake, being empathetic to your partners feelings and sharing how you will do things differently in future.

Take responsibility During conflict, it can be very easy to become defensive, blame, or be critical toward your partner. When attempting to repair, you instead want to take responsibility for your role in the argument by owning your behaviour. This has the power to allow you both to let your guards down and communicate more calmly.

Communicate using “I” statements Starting a conversation with a statement like “you make me so angry” or “you never help me out with….” can come across as an attack and often result in defensiveness that can lead to an argument. Instead, try expressing your feelings and experiences using “I” statements, which might sound something like “I feel so angry….” or “I feel as if I am alone in this….”

Listen and validate During a fight, our biggest need is often to feel heard, understood and validated. This goes both ways, but it can be a hard thing to do when we are experiencing heightened emotion. Validating someone’s feelings doesn’t mean that you agree with them (remember – it’s not about who is right and who is wrong), it just means you are willing to listen with the intent to understand their perspective, and you can accept that their feelings and experiences may be different from your own.

Identify the emotion and underlying need When we criticise our partner, make demands, or get into an argument with them, it is often because we have a need we feel is being unmet. This is when it is important to evaluate your feelings and ask yourself what your needs are in that moment. For example, criticising your partner over unwashed dishes might mean you have a need for teamwork. Arguing with your partner about their phone usage at the dinner table might tell you that you need some quality time. Once you identify your feelings and needs, it becomes a lot easier to communicate them in a way that your partner can fully hear you. Our relationship needs, life needs and individual needs can often change, which is why it is important to discuss them with your partner and check-in with them about their needs, too. Discussing your needs together and how you can support each other in meeting them can help deepen connection and avoid future arguments.

Express love and appreciation for each other Conflict can bring about tough emotions like anger, sadness, anxiety and stress. A good way to shift that and move towards repair is to take a moment to express love and appreciation for each other.

Learn to repair during conflict Once you are more aware of your needs, feelings and behaviours that may contribute to a potential conflict, you can communicate more clearly with your partner when you feel tensions rising. Repairing after an argument has taken place is so important, but you can also learn to initiate repair during conflict, or even before conflict has begun. In those instances, repair attempts may sound something like this: “I am feeling angry and I didn’t phrase that in the best way. I’m sorry. Will you let me try that again?” “I hear you saying …. and I can understand you feel …. How can I best show you support right now?” “I’m struggling right now with …. I feel overwhelmed. Can you please help me out with this?” “I’m very sorry I hurt you. Can we talk about this together?” “I’m feeling upset and want to talk to you about it, but I’m having trouble thinking clearly. Can we take a moment to pause and then try again in 20 minutes?” “I am very stressed with work and I realise I have taken it out on you when I …. I am sorry. Next time when I am feeling stressed, I will instead ….” “I want to know more about how you’re feeling so I can better understand your needs. Can I ask you some questions?”

It’s important to remember that we all make mistakes, have bad days, or go through phases where we aren’t at our best. When we’re in a relationship with someone, these things can cause conflict, and that conflict can either strengthen your relationship, or strain it. Knowing how to communicate during these moments and repair afterwards will help you to build feelings of trust and security, deepen your connection and grow together as a couple.